How to Cope with Parents
“It would do us some good to consider how universal our experience is, and how many other people have troubling and flawed parents.”
Many of us will struggle with the relationship with our parents. But some are lucky to have a satisfying relationship with theirs. We the struggling, in an attempt to make ourselves understood, might decide to speak our mind, to tell our parents about how they might have hurt us, and how some of the things we went through at their hands in childhood traumatize us till today.
Instead of accepting our ‘appraisal’ parents might assert their ‘authority’ and say we’re immature or ungrateful. Or in the middle of our speech, we might sense their vulnerability and fear how badly wounded they will be, so we cushion the truth. Or they might even convince us that they get what we mean, but after another emotionally draining conversation, we might wish to cut ties with them. Although our attempts were unsuccessful, we show courage by trying.
If they aren't narcs or aren't pathologically disturbed, and they were able to still be kind to us from time to time, we might still adore them. We might imagine that our lives would be better without them but we know that we would be devastated if they died.
It would do us some good to consider how universal our experience is, and how many other people have troubling and flawed parents. Parents are shaped by the values of a generation that might now, in modern times, seem usual to us. If we have children, perhaps they too would be mortified by the values of our generation.
Parents were there for our first steps and our first attempts at speaking. So it shouldn't be surprising if they remain condescending even though we now have a job and live alone, they knew us when we pooped ourselves and couldn't hold silverware.
We have set out to do something challenging, to be at peace with people who unavoidably hurt us and whose views are opposites to ours. We are emotionally entangled with our parents and maybe we can't stop seeing them. So instead of focusing on our trouble spots, we might highlight the things that bring us together.
If we know they know a lot about swimming pools we might get their opinion of a contractor to fix our rooftop pool. If they like fishing we may go fishing with them. Since we know that the longer we stayed together the more the chance that they'll bring up a fragile part of us, we would be sure to never stay overnight.
We are aware of how badly things could go, and we can also focus on the small things that are mutually satisfying. Removed from family life we wouldn't feel so greatly connected to others that they have such an effect on us. They are our biological parents but we might not have picked them if we had any choice.